Hard Choices
by TGray
Summary: Season 6 through 'Gone'.. A tragedy and a decision turns everyones lives upside down. Eventually Spike and Xander but includes everyone. Male slash.
1. Default Chapter

Title: Hard Choices  
  
Author: Tgray  
  
Rated: R  
  
Spoilers: Through season 6 'Gone' - before the wedding that never happened. For my purposes, Giles never left.  
  
M/F & M/M pairings  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing, blah, blah, blah..  
  
Feedback: Please, please, please.... I'll beg if need be!  
  
The Beginning  
  
She ran. Guided by no more than her panic, she ran as fast as her legs would carry her given the situation. Through endless, and thankfully empty cemeteries she made her way to the crypt, to the one person she knew would be able to help. Trying to convince him would be difficult. She already knew it. Her mind begun to stir of the possibilities of what it would take to make him agree. As she pounded on the solid door, her thoughts disappeared, leaving only fear to overwhelm her. By the time Spike opened the door to stand in front of her, Anya was crouched on the ground in a ball, shuddering with desperate tears.  
  
He immediately went down, taking a position to kneel beside her. "Anya. What is it, luv? What's wrong?!"  
  
"Help me, Spike! Please, help me."  
  
He pulled a strand of matted hair, wet from tears, away from her face. "Shh. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Please."  
  
"Take a breath. Tell me, from the beginning."  
  
She began shaking her head, trying to stand on weakened legs. "No! C'mon! There's not enough time! We have to go."  
  
"Go where, pet?" he asked, now in a steady pace behind her.  
  
"Xander! In the cemetery."  
  
"Oh bloody hell! What's the git gone and gotten himself into now?"  
  
She didn't answer, instead sped up.  
  
Spike followed, cursing the boy for ruining his evening. If things went according to plan, Buffy would be slamming into his crypt right about now, where they would be engaging in more 'interesting' activities.  
  
Anya stopped suddenly, causing Spike to slam into her. "What the bleedin' hell did you...?" He froze, the smell of fresh human blood overpowering any other scent in the air. He shivered, trying not to let the enticing aroma distract him.  
  
"We were attacked. A demon. Xander tried to fight, tried to help me.....but he was hurt. and then it left. Just like that, it left after it....." She stopped, a steady stream of sobs pouring out instead. Trying to make sense of what happened, Spike slowly stepped around Anya, who had stopped moving and was now frozen in one spot. He followed the blood around a tombstone and finally spotted the body.  
  
"Anya!" Spike called for her as he quickly slid beside Xander. The boy looked up at him, a glassy look in his eyes, and Spike immediately knew the brunette was far too gone to recognize him.  
  
Without another thought, the vampire tore out of his duster, laying it over the trembling human. "Anya! Get your bloody ass over here and help me! We need to get him to a hospital!"  
  
She appeared in front of them, holding her arms tightly around her body. She began to speak slowly and steadily. "It's too late. You know it."  
  
"Not if we go now!"  
  
"Not enough time! Too much blood."  
  
"Anya, what do you want..."  
  
She interrupted. "I can't lose him, Spike. I won't. You have to help him."  
  
"What on bloody earth are you talking about?!"  
  
"Bite him. Turn him. Make him a vampire, whatever. Just save him, please!"  
  
"Anya!"  
  
"No! Please, Spike! I've never asked you for anything! Now I'm not asking, I'm begging...please, don't let him die."  
  
The tone in her voice and the look in her eyes made him want to move mountains for her if he could. Damning Xander to hell seemed a bit more impossible. "You don't understand what you're saying, pet. I do this, he won't be Xander. You'll lose him anyway, but worse."  
  
"I don't care, Spike! He'll still be here! I won't have to watch..." She pushed down the bile making it's way to her throat. "Do this and I'll find a way. Just please, I love him. I can't let him die. Not if..." Tears erupted again, making it impossible for her to finish.  
  
"Even if I wanted to, the chip..." he reminded her, trying to find a way out of the request.  
  
"He's dying! He won't feel it! I don't think at this point you could hurt him."  
  
Spike stared down at the man on the ground. Anya's lover, Buffy's friend. It would kill Buffy to lose him. She'd not been herself since her return, and one more dead body would certainly tip the scales toward a white jacket and a padded cell for his slayer.  
  
"Fuck." The only word he could find in his vocabulary to sum up the situation. "Buffy's going to stake me for this, you realize."  
  
Her eyes found his, a silent thank you passing between them. He nodded, picking the boy up to cradle his head. Xander moaned, still trying to hold onto an ounce of consciousness.  
  
Spike leaned into his ear, and as soft as he could mumble whispered, "Forgive me."  
  
He glanced at Anya one last time before bringing out his demon. The yellow eyes made their way down the arch of the boy's neck, finding just the right spot. He took a deep breath and sank in, fangs tearing through skin, a feeling of nasea hitting Spike as the chip activated. Too late to stop, he closed his eyes and tried to ignore the excruciating pain, realizing it meant the human was also feeling the pain of being drained. Remembering his own turning, Spike ignored those thoughts, knowing the pain Xander was feeling would be over soon enough. The physical pain would cease to exist, leaving an even greater one in its wake.  
  
Spike cursed himself continuously, even as he felt the heart stop beating and the body turning colder under him. He cursed his existence as he slit into his own wrist and held it tightly to the other man's lips. He despised what he was doing as he talked and coaxed the mouth open, pushing the blood onto Xander's tongue to feel the beginning of the suckling.  
  
"That's it, Harris. Drink it. Take as much as you want," he added, when he felt the man's need more forcefully.  
  
He allowed him his blood for what seemed an eternity until the sucking stopped and Xander's body fell into a deep, motionless sleep.  
  
Fighting the tears caused by the chip as well as the realization of what he'd done, he buried the regret as deep down as he could and looked up to find Anya, sitting against a tree, mourning for her fiancé.  
  
"It's done now. No going back. Let's get him home, yeah?"  
  
She nodded, unable to speak for the sobbing and stood up.  
  
He scooped the new vampire into his arms and gave the woman one last glance. "Remember you begged for this."  
  
She turned her eyes away, not wanting to see the pain that was so clear on the vampire's face.  
  
They made their way quickly to the apartment. Spike realized a moment of horror as he stepped through the open door. First time into Xander's apartment and he walked in uninvited by the owner. Trying to ignore how much the scene actually bothered him, he tucked the figure into bed, pulling the shades, leaving him alone in the dark bedroom.  
  
"How long?"  
  
"Don't know. A day or so, I'd reckon. I'll be needing some things. Blood for one. Plenty of it, and not human. Cow, pig, doesn't much matter as long as it's blood. Some bandages for the injuries, he'll heal fast but I still want to tidy him up proper like." His eyes found the floor before he added his last request. "And Anya, you can't be here when he wakes."  
  
Her eyes widened. "What?! I'm not leaving! I'm not going anywhere!"  
  
"Look, pet. Do as I say! When he wakes, he'll be confused. All he'll know is the hunger. You won't be safe, and I won't have time to protect you."  
  
"Protect me?! We're talking about Xander! He wouldn't hurt me!"  
  
"You're not getting it, are you? I'd think a thousand years as a demon yourself Anya, would give you a little insight into the situation. This is not Xander lying in that bed! It's a demon! A demon who is gonna wake up and want nothing more than to take a bite out of you! Now if that doesn't fit into your perfect little plan of happily ever after, I'd suggest you find a place to stay for the time being."  
  
She stood for a long moment letting his words finally sink in. "Oh my god! Spike, what did I do?"  
  
He took her hands. "You didn't do anything, pet. Nothing. You understand? I could have said no. Don't ever blame yourself."  
  
"But..."  
  
"No. Now make yourself comfy out here until tommorow. In the morning, get some blood and supplies and then leave. I'm serious, Anya. Don't be here when he wakes up."  
  
"Okay. Okay. I'll go to the magic shop. I'll stay there. Just call me when..." She gestured toward the closed door.  
  
"I will. Now try to get some sleep."  
  
"What are you gonna do?"  
  
"I have to go out for a bit. He won't be waking anytime soon, you should be okay for now. I've got to try to suss out just what we're gonna do. Figure out a way to keep my head intact when the slayer finds out about all this."  
  
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking that far ahead."  
  
"I know, pet. Figure it out when the time comes."  
  
She turned and laid at the end of the couch, curling herself into a ball. "For what it's worth, thank you."  
  
He took in a deep breath, sucked in his cheeks, and nodded. "Night."  
  
He opened the door to the bedroom and stepped in, feeling the need to check on Xander before he left. He looked down at the lifeless figure wrapped in the blankets, looking peaceful and something else.... Human. Xander still looked human, lying comfortably in the security of his own bed. But he wasn't human. Spike had taken that away from him. Never in his years as a vampire had he sired another. Call it fear of responsibility, selfishness in wanting to keep everything for himself, whatever the reason, he'd never even given a notion to the thought of turning a human. Now as he looked down on his childe, he realized just how much he had changed his life by that very act. He wasn't so sure he could handle it.  
  
TBC.... 


	2. Hard Choices: Chapter 2

Hard Choices: Chapter 2  
  
Spike hurried his way out of the apartment, desperate to make it back to his crypt and the bottle of Jack Daniels that was calling his name. After doing what he'd done, which he was trying hard not to think about, he felt he deserved one last night of mindless drunkenness. Once Xander was awake, he was fairly certain time to himself would be a luxury. His hands clenched and unclenched, hanging down by his sides, due to the tension building inside his body at the thought of Xander Harris the vampire. Childe of Spike. God did he hate the sound of that.  
  
He stopped rapidly when he reached the door to his home. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," he repeated, shaking his head in annoyance. Putting his hand up to touch the door, he took a deep breath. He could feel her. He could always feel her. Why didn't she just leave when she realized he wasn't there? He didn't know how to deal with her right now. Didn't know if he could hide the turmoil he was feeling. As he stood debating whether or not to stick it out or high tail it in the other direction, Buffy unknowingly decided for him and opened the door.  
  
"Spike," she spoke casually.  
  
"So you waited then?" He strolled past her, trying not to catch her eyes, sure the look in his own would give away his foul mood.  
  
"Yeah, I waited. I was surprised you weren't here."  
  
"Went out for a bit. You know.... a little late night carnage to work up the appetite, so to speak."  
  
"I don't have a lot of time. Dawn's home alone. I felt kinda bad about leaving her there and sneaking out in the middle of the night."  
  
He found the courage to finally catch her gaze. "Then why did you?" He reached for the coveted bottle of booze that he kept on top of the refrigerator and plopped down into the comfort of the only chair he owned. "That desperate for a shag, slayer?"  
  
Buffy shrugged and moved closer, oblivious to the snide remark. "Just felt like being with you."  
  
He eyed her wearily. "That's new."  
  
"Spike. I've been doing some thinking lately. Well, the last couple of days anyway."  
  
The bottle found his lips and the liquid slid down, warming his throat as it went.  
  
"I don't like the way things are. With us."  
  
"There is no 'us', remember?" The remark came off a little more sarcastic than he intended, and he immediately wanted to take it back. Instead, he buried more of the bottle.  
  
"I'm sorry." She paced the floor in front of him and then moved closer, resting on her knees on the floor directly in front of the chair. "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you."  
  
His eyebrow arched in a bedazzled expression, his head tilting slowly to the side in confusion.  
  
"I've been showing up here anytime I feel like it, expecting you to. well, drop everything and make me happy. I've been using you, even knowing how you feel about me. And I know it's not fair."  
  
"Buffy...."  
  
"Let me finish before I chicken out, okay? I know it's not fair to you because I know you want more."  
  
"Not really complainin' here, luv."  
  
"And that's exactly what I thought you'd say. Figured you were getting something out of it and something was better than nothing, right?"  
  
"Still not getting your point here."  
  
She took a deep breath, pushing her courage out as she exhaled. "I want more too, Spike. What we have, what we've been doing, it's not right and it's not enough. It makes me feel something for a little while but then it's over and afterward I feel even emptier inside."  
  
Spike's eyes dropped, afraid of showing her the disappointment hiding behind them. He pushed past her, standing up from the chair, and took another long swig from the bottle. How could this night get any worse? He felt the anger boiling but was powerless against the feeling.  
  
"I get it, slayer. Fun while it lasted, yeah? Nice knowing you, see you around some time!?" He washed the bitterness down with the rest of the Jack and discarded the empty bottle where it dropped. He turned and stumbled to his makeshift bed, pushing the heavy stone lid aside. His hands fumbled shakily, searching for another bottle of hidden liquid numbness. He froze when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.  
  
"You're not listening to me, Spike."  
  
"I'm hearing you loud and clear, slayer."  
  
"I'm saying I want more than just sex from you. I want the whole package. I want the friendship and the sharing and I want to be able to tell my friends. I don't want to have to feel like I'm keeping a dirty secret. Because I realized something. You're not. You're more than that."  
  
He closed his eyes, pushing back the tears of happiness threatening to leak out. His hands gripped the edge of the sarcophagus as he gritted his teeth.  
  
"Don't say it if you don't mean it, Buffy. Not in the mood for mind games."  
  
"No games this time, Spike."  
  
He heard a small sigh of breath from behind him and felt her hand leave his shoulder.  
  
"I'm tired. It's always been a game between us. Who can out best the other. Hell, you're a vampire, I'm a slayer. We shouldn't even be having this conversation. But here we are. And you've never left."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I know. I finally figured that out."  
  
Small, warm hands slid around his waste to connect at his stomach. He felt her breath on the back of his neck when she leaned her body against his. "Are you ready to come out of hiding?"  
  
He turned, unsuccessful in pushing back the tears this time, and met her face to face. "It's all I've ever dreamt about."  
  
She smiled, reaching up to capture his lips in a kiss tenderer than he'd ever remember.  
  
"Spike!"  
  
He blinked.  
  
"Spike! Wake up!"  
  
He was confused, trying to hold onto the kiss a little longer, but was shaken out of it too abruptly. He reluctantly opened his eyes.  
  
"God, Spike. I've been trying to get you up for five minutes!" Buffy glanced down at the bottle between his legs. "How much of that did you drink?!"  
  
He shook his head, trying to sort out the confusion. "Not enough, apparently."  
  
"I came by earlier and you weren't here. What were you doing?"  
  
"Getting drunk," he replied sarcastically. He looked around the crypt, remembering when he'd returned to the empty space. Doing exactly what was on his agenda for the evening, he'd managed to drown himself into a nice, peaceful oblivion.  
  
"What's wrong with you? You're all grouchy vampire."  
  
"Bad night," he grumbled, taking the lid off the bottle and chugging a swallow. His hand reached for his cigarettes and came up empty when he realized he'd left his duster at Xander's apartment.  
  
"Yeah, well, nothing like the night I've had, I bet." She slid into the chair as she spoke, casually shifting positions to straddle his lap. "Willow moped and moped all night about Tara, who by the way is still not speaking to her which is driving everyone crazy." She wrapped her hand around his neck and began caressing the short hairs around his ear. "Dawn's teacher sent a note saying she wants a meeting, which from my own personal experience can never be a good thing." She moved in closer, wiggling her hips against his crotch. "And if I ever have to eat another doublemeat burger, I think I might just kill myself and get it over with. Or let you have your one good day." Her free hand snaked its way down and began fumbling with the buckle of his belt.  
  
His eyes narrowed and he reached out to grab the offending hand. "What are you doing?"  
  
She met his eyes, giving a look full of surprise. "What do you mean, what am I doing? I'm doing.....this." She dropped her eyes and motioned between them as if it was the most natural thing for her to be undoing his belt.  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
More confusion. "I've had a bad day, thought we could...."  
  
"Oh. Of course. Should have known." He took one last gulp from the bottle and tossed it over the side of the chair. "What's your pleasure tonight, slayer?"  
  
"Just make me forget about today...me...my life. Just for awhile. Please."  
  
Another look from another woman. How had the big bad become so gullable? His resolve failed yet again and he leaned in to kiss. He could always make her forget. For awhile.  
  
They eventually found themselves wrapped together under a nearby piece of carpet, lazily coming around after another intense session of sex and sweat. Buffy tried to catch her breath, shyly holding the 'blanket' around her naked body.  
  
"I forgot to tell you the worst part about today."  
  
Spike laid back, his arms folded behind his head, relishing in the afterglow of being surrounded in the feel if Buffy. Her scent, her need. He desperately wanted a cigarette to make it perfect.  
  
"Anya picked out the dresses for the wedding. They're as god awful as anything you could ever imagine. Xander, of course, won't give his opinion, letting her pick everything, so it looks like radioactive green it is."  
  
Spike tensed at the mention of the couple. A deep-seated regret threatened to rip his stomach apart from the inside. He knew Buffy would find out eventually. Sooner than later, he expected, but for now he wouldn't ruin the moment they were sharing. It wasn't much, but to him, lying here talking to her, having a normal conversation was as good as he could hope for.  
  
The moment came and went, and soon Buffy was up, acting again as if nothing had happened. Spike kept his place on the floor, watching as she slipped back into her clothes and put on the façade of stone cold slayer.  
  
"So I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked, pulling her jacket on over her blouse.  
  
Something in her tone made him hopeful. He was used to finding no emotion in her eyes after they'd been together, but tonight, tonight when she looked down at him he saw a glint of something. Feeling. On some level, he knew he'd reached her. Even just a little bit. More surprising to him, she bent down on her knees and placed a soft kiss on his lips.  
  
"Goodnight, Spike."  
  
She stood and walked away, pulling the door shut behind her as she went.  
  
He was left alone with his thoughts. How was he ever gonna fix the mess he was in? All he wanted was to be there for her. To make her happy. Turning her best friend into a vampire probably wasn't gonna win him bonus points. He shivered at the thought and closed his eyes. Sleep now, face the consequences later. He drifted off, dreading the day ahead of him. 


	3. Hard Choices: Chapter 3

Hard Choices: Chapter 3  
  
Spike woke a couple of hours later, making it back to Xander's apartment with barely enough time before the sun rose. He let himself in, careful not to disturb Anya, who was still curled up on the far end of the sofa. He felt sorry for the girl. She still held her delusions about a perfect life with Xander, even after the unexpected turn of events. He quietly took the afghan from the back of the couch and placed it over her body before turning toward the bedroom.  
  
All was quiet when he pushed open the door. The room was dark, protected by the heavy drapes on the window and the figure still lay sprawled out on the bed, looking more asleep than dead. Spike shuddered at the thought. Xander was dead. Until later, when a vampire would emerge, taking the place of the happy go lucky carpenter. Spike eyed a chair, pushed far against the corner of the room. He unloaded the armfuls of clothes piled in a heap on top of it and pulled it out alongside the bed. He sat with his legs straddling the seat, his chin resting atop of his hands on the back of it. Intently, he sat and watched. Watched the lack of breath. The lack of movement. He casually wondered if he appeared this dead when he slept.  
  
He closed his eyes, trying to remember back to the night so long ago in the abandoned barn. Drusilla had been a beauty to him, full of passion and mystery, appearing when he needed it most. Given the choice when she showed her true face, he had still accepted the life she offered without fully understanding what it meant. His thoughts roamed to the man on the bed. Xander wasn't given that choice. It had been decided for him. How would the boy react? Would he embrace his new life as Spike had? Relish in the strength and power that came with the demon?  
  
Spike shook his head. Of course he wouldn't embrace it. Not like he had. He'd done what demons were meant to do. He'd fed, hunted, fucked.... ultimately given a two-fingered salute to the society that raised him. He wreaked havoc on the townspeople just because he could. Not Xander. He wasn't going to be allowed that freedom. Buffy would just as soon stake him before she'd let the demon loose. Spike would have to teach him, control him. He wouldn't allow him human blood, only bagged from animals. His plan was to teach the boy to fight against his nature.  
  
Spike had done it. Not by choice, of course, but the fact remained he hadn't fed from a human in two years. Okay, there was one slip when Dru came to town, but hey, no one's perfect he thought casually to himself. It wasn't like he'd killed the girl. And how could you turn down a gift from your sire?  
  
Realizing his mind was wandering off track, he cracked an eye open one last time to the motionless figure on the bed and sighed deeply. For both their sakes, he hoped for once in his life he had a plan that would work. He settled down, making himself as comfortable as the old rickety chair would allow, and finally fell into a restless sleep full of bitter anticipation.  
  
Xander stirred. He slowly opened his eyes, roaming the outline of his darkened bedroom. He knew the sun was out, shining brightly beyond the covered window and subtly wondered what time of day it was. He hadn't remembered actually lying down the night before and pondered over how long he had been asleep. One thought kept repeating itself like a mantra over and over in his brain. Hunger. He felt hunger like he'd never known. A hunger so deep he almost felt nauseous with it.  
  
He stretched his body, feeling a wave of pain throughout his chest and torso. He closed his eyes and recalled the fight in the graveyard the night before. At least it explained his discomfort and the smell he'd begun to notice. He pulled the blanket away, realizing he was still dressed and covered with the blood from his wounds. His mouth watered at the scent and his stomach turned at the confusing thought he'd just had.  
  
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood cautiously, thinking he'd still be weak from the abuse he had taken. Surprised immediately by the strength he felt coursing through his body, he smiled as he crossed the floor to the window, lightly pulling the drapes back to allow some light into the room.  
  
"No!!!" the familiar voice shouted from across the room.  
  
Xander growled before he realized what was happening and felt the pain of the sun on his bare arms. He felt another body against his, shoving him roughly out of the way. Spike closed the curtains and turned to Xander, allowing his vampiric features to emerge.  
  
Xander stood in panic, his hands traveling the plains of his face. He felt the ridges, the teeth, letting his fingers take in the overall appearance of what he was. It only occurred to him then, at that moment, that he hadn't taken a breath. He unintentionally growled deep in his throat as he caught the expression on Spike's face and put it all together. No longer human, he was a vampire. He felt a rage deep in his gut, fiercer than any anger he'd known. It became clear, the craving he felt. The smell of the blood permeating the air, calling to him.  
  
His eyes narrowed on the other vampire in front of him. "What the fuck did you do?!"  
  
Spike growled loudly in reply, making his dominance known. He grabbed the other man and forcefully pushed him against the wall, holding him in place. "If it wasn't for me you'd be dead you stupid git."  
  
Xander growled again, trying to break the hold Spike had on him, only making the older vampire squeeze harder. He began to feel dizzy, his legs giving way under him. Spike caught him before he fell and hoisted his body onto the bed.  
  
"You need to feed."  
  
"Blood. You want me to..... What the hell did you get out of this, Spike?! Payback? Amusement?!!"  
  
"Wasn't my bleedin' idea, you wanker! If you think I wanted this, you're crazy! And you can do what you like, but blood's the only thing's gonna satisfy that hole in your stomach. Nothing else."  
  
Xander relaxed when he felt Spike's hold ease a bit. "It hurts." His body began to tremble and he pulled his arms around his torso, curling into a ball.  
  
"It's the bloodlust. It'll pass." Spike answered in a softer tone. When he was sure the other man was calmer, he rose from the bed and walked to the door.  
  
"Stay here." His tone was demanding, taking on the role of sire.  
  
Spike opened the door to the room cautiously, looking around first to make sure they were alone in the apartment. When he found no sign of Anya, he stepped out and headed straight for the refrigerator. Opening it, he found the usual contents emptied and refilled with bags upon bags of blood. Grabbing a handful, he tossed them into the microwave all at once and pushed the button. He used the few spare minutes to telephone Anya at the Magic Box. He quickly let her know that Xander had awakened, and forced his hand again when she'd immediately wanted to see him. After convincing her otherwise, he hung up, tore into the allotment of bags and prepared to let the newly risen vamp experience his first taste of blood.  
  
Xander was pacing at the door before Spike had a chance to walk through it. His nostrils flared at the scent coming from the kitchen, his body trembling wildly with the anticipation of the relief he knew the blood would give. He growled and grabbed for the large mug as soon as Spike was close enough. He began to drink. The warm liquid slid down his throat, calming his stomach, easing the pain. He gulped, taking in as much as he could at one time, almost choking from the speed in which he drank. Done with the first, Spike handed him another right away, watching as Xander downed the second just as quickly. When he began begging for more, Spike shook his head, pushing the brunette away.  
  
"No. You've had enough for now."  
  
"Fuck you, Spike! This is my place, my rules!"  
  
Before he could attempt to defend himself, Xander was on the floor with one hundred seventy pounds of furious vampire on top of him. Spike gave a warning growl before clasping his hands around Xander's throat.  
  
"Remember who you're talking to, Harris. I made you! I could have bloody well let you die in that cemetery!"  
  
"Why the fuck didn't you! Like this is so much better."  
  
"I gave you a gift. Learn to appreciate it, mate."  
  
Spike eased his way off the boy onto shaky legs. He turned, swaggering out of the bedroom, trying not to let Xander see the true grief on his face. When he reached the couch, he let out a deep breath and sat down, sinking into the cushions. He hated having to be rough with him, but he knew Xander would have to learn his place if Spike was to have any hold on his childe. The stronger he became, the more he would fight. Stubborn in life, he knew death would be no different. The boundaries would have to be set early on. As much as he hated the fact, he was now a sire, responsible for Xander. Their unique situation would make things that much harder to deal with. He inwardly laughed at his dilemma. He was a vampire with nothing but a chip for obedience, intent on teaching another vampire to live as he himself had to. No hunting, no feeding, no terrorizing victims and relishing in the kill. All for the love of the one woman whose sole purpose was to rid the earth of their kind. A woman who treated him no better than dirt.  
  
He shook his head in disgust. "Love's bitch you bloody sap."  
  
The bedroom remained silent and Spike began wondering what Xander was doing. When enough time passed, he returned to check on the other man and found him lying on the bed, staring at a picture frame. Spike leaned in the doorway, crossing his arms in front of him.  
  
Xander's gaze fell on him and then went back to the picture.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"I know."  
  
"This was taken last summer. Me, Will and Buffy at the beach. The memory's there. I can see it just like it happened. But I don't feel it. I don't feel anything."  
  
"You felt the bloodlust."  
  
"That was physical."  
  
"It gets better," he acknowledged, pointing toward the picture.  
  
"How? How does it get better?" he asked full of sarcasm.  
  
Spike shrugged. "You start forgetting the memories."  
  
"Do you remember being human?"  
  
Spike closed his eyes and pictured his mother's smile, the warmth of her embrace. The love she'd given him, as only a mother could. "No."  
  
Xander sighed and returned to the picture.  
  
"Buffy's the slayer though. Is she gonna kill me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I won't let her."  
  
"Like you'd choose me over her," he scoffed.  
  
"You're mine." The statement felt strange from his lips. "My responsibility," he corrected.  
  
"Bet that pisses you off."  
  
Spike began picking at his nails, obverting his eyes from Xander.  
  
After a moment when he realized Spike wasn't going to answer, the other man spoke again. "I can't change."  
  
Spike met his eyes again suspiciously.  
  
"My face. I can't change back. I tried."  
  
"Takes time. How many new vamps you fought hid their demon?"  
  
Xander thought about it for a moment. "None."  
  
"Give it a day or two. You'll learn. 'S not so hard."  
  
Xander frowned, another thought taking hold. "How do you stand it?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The hunger."  
  
Spike nodded at the change of subject. "That gets better, too. Look, Harris. There are worse things you could be. Not so different really if you think about it."  
  
"Not so different! I'm a fucking vampire for Christ sake!"  
  
"I did notice that, yeah."  
  
"What, did you think I was gonna just be able to go on, business as usual. same friends, same job? Sorry, Buff, your best friend's a vampire but its okay, he won't bite you because he knows you can kick his ass?!!!"  
  
Xander closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the pillow seeing visions of Buffy lying beneath him, his cock buried deep inside her body, blood coating his mouth while he drained her essence.  
  
He sat up with a start, his eyes wide, panting for unneeded breath. "Fuck, I can't handle this!"  
  
He jumped up, trying to push past Spike. "I've got to go!"  
  
"Go where?!" Spike demanded, blocking his way.  
  
"I don't know! Somewhere! Out! Just, away from here!" His movements were jittery, sporadic without thought.  
  
"Don't think that's a good idea, mate. Too much you can get into. Besides, sun's up. You won't get too far," he reminded the other man, pointing toward the window.  
  
"I need.....something. I'm going crazy here, Spike." Xander began to pace the room.  
  
"What you need," he answered, drawing out his words slowly, "is to grab a pint, sit down in front of the telly, and calm the fuck down."  
  
"It was Buffy! The thought of Buffy! I saw myself killing her!"  
  
"Yeah, one of my favorite daydreams, too. Now ignore it and come out here and sit!"  
  
Spike allowed the body to squeeze past him, eyeing him wearily until Xander did as suggested and plopped down onto the couch. He grabbed the empty mugs from the dresser and made his way to the kitchen, heating more bags before returning to the distressed vamp on the sofa.  
  
"Don't worry. I'm sure you won't hurt her," he spoke, trying to reassure his childe that it was only his imagination.  
  
Xander caught his gaze, his own eyes full of dark fury. "That's not what I'm worried about."  
  
"What is it then?" he asked, taking a sip and handing the other mug over.  
  
"It's the fact that I want to."  
  
A breath hitched in Spike's throat and Xander noticed the surprised expression.  
  
"Surprised? I can picture it. Every detail. And I bet she tastes a hundred times better than this shit you're feeding me. What's worse is I don't feel bad for thinking it. It's not like she means anything to me now. Just a treat."  
  
The blonde sat, one eyebrow raised as he listened.  
  
"Does that bother you? I know you say you love her. I can't figure out how cuz I sure as hell don't feel anything. I can try and I can pretend, but I'm empty. A demon is what you made, and a demon is what you've got!"  
  
Xander picked up the cup that had been offered to him and with the full force of a childish, angry vampire, shattered it against the wall as he stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.  
  
Not letting him get away that easy, Spike stormed just as rapidly after him, throwing the door wide open.  
  
"We're not through yet! You don't bloody walk away from me!"  
  
Xander glared at Spike, feeling the power the blonde had over him. He gestured his hand in a not so friendly manner and flipped over on the bed, stomach down to ignore the other man.  
  
A rumble sounded deep in his throat and Spike pounced. "You want to see what a demon can do!" He pulled Xander back over, pushing him into the mattress. "You think because I learned to want more than the craving, the need for the hunt, and feel more human than vamp most days. that I won't make you submit to me!? I was gonna be nice about it, you lot of do- gooders rubbing off on me. But if you need to be treated like a demon to learn your place, I can do that too!! See, I was taught by the best! And Angelus showed no mercy when it came to obedience. I. AM. YOUR. SIRE. You 'will' remember that!!" He roared in anger and brought his fangs inches from Xander's face. "Let this be a warning. Next time you throw a bloody tantrum, you 'will' be sorry."  
  
He stared down at the frightened eyes of the vampire under him, knowing he'd gotten his point across. He felt strong. Masterful. He removed himself from the bed and slowly sauntered across the room, leaving the man lying where he was.  
  
"Go take a shower, Harris. You wreak of day old blood."  
  
TBC....... 


	4. Hard Choices: Chapter 4

Hard Choices: Chapter 4  
  
Spike sat back on the couch, mug in one hand and a bag of potato chips in the other. He tried to find distraction in the afternoon talk shows, but his mind kept betraying him, reverting back to old memories he'd just as soon forget. He listened as the shower water was turned on, and heard the rustling of the metal rings from the curtain being pulled back. He sighed contently that the boy had listened to him. Minor, but progress, at any rate.  
  
He generally tried not to remember the time surrounding his turning. Hadn't really pondered it in years. The last time was after Angelus was unleashed and decided to take up residence with him and Drusilla for the first time in a century. Even then, when the memories came, he'd tried to block them out and push them deep inside. Ultimately, he'd found it hard to forget when Angelus and Dru were constantly reminding him of how things had been between them in those early years.  
  
He sat back and allowed his mind to go there. Four days after his awakening, Dru had taken William to her daddy. Angelus seemed unimpressed and bored by her new toy, barely showing an interest in the young man she'd chosen. Until several months later, when the game suddenly changed. With Drusilla so lost to reality most of the time, Angelus took on the role of sire, forced to teach William the ways in which they lived.  
  
William soon became his favorite pass time, forcing him into his bed when the women went out. If the younger vampire tried to refuse, Angelus new much in the way of pain and torture to remind him that saying no would only put him out for days. Rendering him unable to hunt, therefore unable to feed, he'd lie in misery until he healed, only to be given the same choice again. Before long, Angelus' bed became his comfort, realizing it was the only pleasant attention the older vampire would give him. When not being used for his sire's pleasure, he began to be ignored and pushed aside, making William realize how much he longed for Angelus' companionship and approval.  
  
When Angelus would forget him for time with the women, William would wreak havoc, purposely calling attention to their whereabouts, just to gain the punishment he knew he'd receive. Pain became pleasure, and in pleasure there was also attention from his appointed sire.  
  
"You could give Angel lessons with the brooding you're doing."  
  
Spike looked up at Xander, standing before him, fresh from his shower. Still wrapped in the bath towel he'd used to dry off, he watched as he walked to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator door.  
  
"You figured it out."  
  
"Huh?" Xander used a knife to slice through a bag and emptied the contents into a cup, shoving it into the microwave.  
  
Spike gestured toward Xander's human features.  
  
"Oh, Yeah. I realized it when I was in the shower. I forced myself to relax and concentrate and presto, no bumpies."  
  
"That's good. Like I said, usually takes a couple of days. Maybe there's some smarts to be found in that head of yours after all."  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
An eyebrow shifted. "Now now. Talk like that and I won't take you out tonight."  
  
Xander eyed him over the top of the cup he was now gulping. His yellow eyes staring through the vampire visage he couldn't hold back once he smelled the blood. "Out where?"  
  
Spike shrugged. "Figured I'd take you along on patrol. Test your strength. See what you're made of so to speak."  
  
"And if Buffy shows?"  
  
"I'll go by there first, tell her not to bother. She could use a night at home with kid sis anyway."  
  
Xander nodded and tossed the empty cup into the sink. "I'll have to face her eventually."  
  
"Not tonight. You're not ready."  
  
"You afraid for me or her?"  
  
Spike stayed silent, finding a string on the sofa a bit more interesting. He gritted his teeth and found Xander's gaze again. "This is new ground, Harris. Not sure what to do here."  
  
"Stop calling me that. I'd think we're on a first name basis, don't you?"  
  
"Okay.Xander," he hesitated. "I know it's not gonna seem fair you drinkin' pig's blood, livin' on animals and such. But if I can convince your pals you're tame, we might just make it through this without either one of us getting staked."  
  
"Humm. Didn't plan very well when you killed me, did you?"  
  
Spike frowned. "Certain things are expected now that I'm your sire and all."  
  
Xander shook his head, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed in front of him. "I was waiting for this."  
  
Spike was up, in front of the other man before Xander could blink.  
  
"You'll talk to me with respect, for one! And I expect you to do what I say, when I say and no questions, you understand?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever." The brunette began playing with his nails, finding a chipped one and picking at it intently.  
  
Spike's anger flared. He eyed the knife lying alongside Xander on the counter. "I don't think," he picked it up, directing it to the bare chest in front of him, "you're quite understanding me." The blade eased in, the tip slicing enough to allow a slight trickle of blood. The boy winced under the pain. "Now we can do this the hard way, or we can do it the less painful way. Your choice, mate."  
  
Xander grunted, trying not to show his weakness. In the end, he gave in, nodding his agreement. "Alright. I get it. I'll listen to you."  
  
The knife was removed and placed back on the counter. "Don't make me hurt you, Xander. Somehow it just doesn't seem as fun as it might once have been."  
  
Spike turned from his childe and stepped back into the living room, hating himself for giving in to the desire to hurt him. The boy had to learn, no way around it, but as he stood with the blade to the open flesh, he saw Angelus in himself. He saw a path he refused to walk.  
  
"Go get dressed. I'm going out for awhile but I want you to stay here and out of trouble."  
  
"You're gonna trust me alone?" The tone was blatant in its mockery.  
  
Spike pointed toward the window. "Still daylight. I can get around but I don't think you're ready to risk it. I wager you'll stay here tucked up nice and cozy like. Plenty of blood if you feel peckish, and here," he grabbed a book lying on top of his duster as he pulled the coat up to slide into it, "makes for interesting reading." He tossed it across the room.  
  
Xander turned it around in his hands. "History of the vampire?"  
  
Spike shrugged into the duster and flipped up the collar. "'S not Anne Rice but has some truth to it. It'll help pass the time 'til I get back."  
  
Xander pondered the book, flipping through it, realizing he was once more in his human visage. Happy he'd turned without realizing it, he headed off to the bedroom to change his clothes, book in tow, feeling a small sense of accomplishment.  
  
He heard the sound of the door shutting behind Spike as he left and plopped down onto the bed, burying his nose in the book. Skipping the chapter on digging out of the coffin, 'so far past that', he mumbled to himself, came to the next one relating to bloodlust and the need to fulfill the craving.  
  
''Vampires must feed; this fact is the lowest common denominator of their existence. Hunger is not merely a need; it is an all-consuming passion. The thirst for blood is a primal instinct for survival, for only through blood may the vampire survive. The blood need not be human, and even if it is mortal vitae, the death of the vessel is not required; however, the bloodlust often causes older vampires to lose their restraint when they begin to feed, and thus drain all life from their victims. Vampire teeth leave only a small wound, and even this disappears if the vampire licks the wound.  
  
Because the sire never returns to the childe all of the blood which he or she withdrew, the new childe is soon consumed by a ravenous hunger for blood. As the childe has no experience with this overwhelming urge, it is as total as it is immediate. The fledgling cannot fight the urge except through a constant exertion of willpower, and even then a frenzy might overcome him if fresh blood comes within smelling distance.''  
  
Been there, done that. not as bad as it seemed to describe, onto the next lesson. This was the chapter that caught his attention. Sire-childe bond.  
  
Explanations of relationships between vampires and their makers were revealed. Minions, or workers for lack of a better term, were used and quickly discarded, so it seemed. 'Poor bastards', he thought as he read. Turned for the purpose of serving a master for an allotted time just to be dusted later without another thought. He shuddered at the idea. Most of the vamps he'd staked over the years were probably made for this purpose. It felt strange being on the other side for once.  
  
The next section hit home. Childe. What he supposed he was. The term made him wish he'd spent more time listening to Giles' lectures. Learning about what his role was seemed menial coming from a book. Spike should have been the one to tell him. He debated waiting for the other vampire to return, waiting to hear his version on what a childe was, but the temptation overwhelmed him. He dove into the pages; hungry for the knowledge it could give.  
  
"The childe takes on the lineage of his sire and is therefore of the same clan. The clan membership affects which powers the vampire may have in the early stages of its unlife; it also delineates a special weakness. For the next few months, years or even decades, the newly created childe remains with his sire. He may be taught nothing or everything, nurtured or abused, restricted or granted full freedom. But until he is released by his sire he is not accepted in vampire society."  
  
He skimmed through the next few parts about bonding, companions and lovers. Backtrack. lovers? He returned to that paragraph, reading intently, shocked and surprisingly aroused by the contents. He took it all in, knowing the Xander of old would have been deeply appalled by the mere thought of what it was implying. Somehow, the new Xander, the vampire Xander didn't seem to care.  
  
He read a few more pages and sat the book down, summing up in his own mind what everything meant. In Xander's terms, he belonged to Spike and had no free will of his own. He was a childe of the older vampire and was expected to do as he was told, go where he was told, and bend over whenever his sire felt the urge. That wasn't what he was expecting, and although couldn't fight the power his sire had over him, he had his own plans.  
  
He stood up and threw the towel aside, reaching into the top drawer of his dresser for a pair of boxers. He slid into them with a pair of jeans to follow, just as he heard a knock on the door. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, he ruled out the visitors it couldn't be. They were all at work, or should have been. Unlike him, they all had lives to attend to.  
  
Xander made his way to the door and slid it open, anxiety settling when Anya slipped into his arms. He'd expected this reunion, had let the scene enter his mind, and it was just as he imagined it. Nothing. He felt nothing. As her body pressed against his, the only thing he was attuned to was the magnified sound of her heartbeat and the overwhelming feeling of knowing the blood was rushing through her veins. Control. He had to keep control. He couldn't scare her. Net yet.  
  
He swung the door closed behind her, never letting go as she buried his lips with kisses.  
  
"I knew it. I knew you'd be you. I knew you wouldn't leave me."  
  
"Of course I'd never leave you. I love you, Ahn. In fact, I've missed you so much. I've been stuck here with Spike when I could have been here with you, doing. things." His hands slid around her back, under her shirt. "Much better things."  
  
"Spike told me not to come. Said you'd try to hurt me."  
  
"Why would I want to hurt you?"  
  
"That's what I said. He just kept going on and on about blood and hunger. and you seem fine to me. Like normal!" She smiled, realizing all her worry was for nothing. In her mind, they could go on like nothing happened, a few minor changes but nothing they couldn't adapt to.  
  
"I was hoping you would show up. I was getting lonely here all by myself. Nothing to do, or no one." His hand found hers, pressing it firmly to the growing tightness through his jeans. He let his lips travel the side of her neck, proud that he'd held his demon back when her blood was screaming to be taken. Through wandering hands and subtle kisses, they made their way to the bedroom, Anya desperate to have the man she loved and Xander desperate for entirely other reasons.  
  
Their clothes were shed, no romanticism, just basic sexual need for each other. The smell of her body was enticing, more defined with his vampire senses than he could have imagined. He needed to taste her. dominate her. He wanted her to scream. Slowly traveling the length of her torso, he found the spot of his desire. She panted, breathing words of love and togetherness as his tongue worked her toward orgasm. Her excitement only made her heart beat faster, an aphrodisiac to Xander's demon. Unable to hold back any longer as her body began to tremble with release, his bones shifted into their true form.  
  
Before she could move, his fangs tore into the flesh of her inner thigh, his hands tightening around her body, holding her down as she screamed and thrashed in panic. The feeling overtook him as he drank deep, the warm blood coating his throat and filling his insides, animating him... making him feel alive. He relished in the fear he heard from her cries as she pulled at his hair and pounded with her fists, begging him to stop. The more she fought, the harder he held her, allowing his fangs to sink deeper.  
  
When she weakened and her voice drifted to small sobs, he relaxed his grip slightly, continuing to feed from the open wound. Too late when he felt the presence behind him and the tight grip in his hair, yanking him away from his prey. The older vampire growled a warning as Xander fought the hold. Spike grabbed him, throwing him off the bed, his body landing roughly against the wall.  
  
"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing!?" Spike leaned in, placing his hand on her neck, checking for the pulse he hoped to find. Relaxing when he realized she'd fainted more from anxiety than from the loss of blood, he covered her body with the blanket and turned toward the younger vamp.  
  
Xander, rather than cowering, smiled an evil grin. "She's weak, Spike. You could take her right now and I bet the chip wouldn't even go off."  
  
Spike crossed the room, trying to distance himself from the smell of the blood.  
  
"I know you want to. Don't tell me you don't. Warm, human blood heating you from the inside. How can you stand that fucking shit you drink from a mug when you could have this!?"  
  
"And kill the slayer's friends? Yeah, such a good plan you git."  
  
"We're only doing what we're supposed to. I felt it, when I had her. When I tasted it on my tongue. that's what we're meant for. That's what I need."  
  
"What you need is to get up, get dressed and forget what you did," he stated, glancing over the other man's naked state. "Enjoy the memory because human blood is off your menu. I'll have to try to clean up the mess you made with Anya. Keep her from running off to Buffy and telling her exactly what's happened!"  
  
"She doesn't have to wake up," the boy hinted coldly as he stood up from his spot on the floor. "Just a taste, Spike. That's all it would take. I guarantee you'd get off the high horse you're on and jump right back in the saddle."  
  
Xander paced his way to stand behind the other man and pulled the blanket off his ex-lover's form.  
  
"It's right there. Ready for you. You may not be able to hunt because of that chip in your head, but 'this' I can do for you. Think about it. Teach me to hunt and we can both feed. Human blood." His finger dipped down to the wound he'd opened, gathering a small amount to bring to Spike's lips. "I owe you my life, Spike. At least let me give you this."  
  
The blonde hesitated, catching the alluring scent of fresh human blood. His tongue snaked out to lick his lips, his eyes settling on the finger in front of him. His demon emerged, the temptation drawing him in. Finally, taking a deep breath, he swung around, pushing the boy away. He grabbed the discarded jeans from the bed and threw them at the other vampire.  
  
"Get dressed. Xander," he ordered, mocking the use of the boy's name as he shoved the pants at him. "This is the last time you try this kind of game with me."  
  
He shoved the other man out the door, slamming it behind him, keeping him away from the girl on the bed. Spike leaned his back against the door, his eyes closed, shaking his form back to human. He opened them to stare down at Anya, focusing on the marks that Xander had made. He'd been so close. So tempted. He'd wanted what his childe had offered. Maybe this whole situation, turning Xander, hadn't been such a good idea.  
  
Buffy. He tried to think about Buffy. The one constant he'd focused on for the past two years. He had to be what she wanted if he was to have any hope that she'd ever love him. His thoughts traveled back to his new childe. Xander was a very bad notch in his plan. TBC.... 


	5. Hard Choices: Chapter 5

Hard Choices: Chapter 5  
  
Within a few moments of intently watching Anya sleep, she'd already begun to stir. Her eyes flickered, opened heavily and caught Spike's gaze staring over her.  
  
"Spike," she whispered hoarsely.  
  
"Right here, luv."  
  
She sat up in panic, glancing around the room. "Xander," she swallowed, "he was...."  
  
"No worries. He's in the other room," he answered, easing her back down onto the bed.  
  
Anya closed her eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath.  
  
" That wasn't Xander."  
  
"I warned you not to come here yet. He wasn't ready."  
  
"He tried to...."  
  
"He couldn't help it," he interrupted. "Wasn't his fault, pet. You know what he is now. You came here just the same, ignoring what I said."  
  
"I just wanted to see him, you know? See if he was still...."  
  
"The same?"  
  
She nodded, her eyes moistening with tears she desperately tried to hold back.  
  
"He's still Xander. But now something more powerful controls him, drives him. Xander's thoughts, his cravings, his desires are in the hands of a demon. No changing that."  
  
"The man I love is gone, isn't he."  
  
Spike remained silent, no need to answer.  
  
"You think you're okay to move?"  
  
She answered with only a nod.  
  
"I'm gonna get him out of here. Take your time but you have to be gone when we get back. Next time," he sighed deeply. "Don't let there be a next time."  
  
She closed her eyes and rolled away from him. He saw the shaking of her shoulders and heard the sobs begin. As much as he wanted to comfort her, he knew he needed to get back to his childe. Grabbing a clean shirt from a drawer in the dresser, he headed off to the other room, closing the bedroom door behind him.  
  
"Here Xander, put this on," he said casually, intending to hand the man the tee shirt he was holding. Instead, his eyes grew wide when he rounded the corner and saw Xander in front of him.  
  
The other vampire was seated, legs spread, eyes squeezed shut with his head leaned back on the backside of the couch. Only then did Spike realize the emotions playing on Xander's face....mouth open, sucking in breath he did not need. The blonde's eyes traveled down the naked torso, beneath the trail of hair leading to a large erection standing proudly from his open jeans. One hand was firmly cupping his balls, taunting and teasing as the other worked circles around the large mushroom head, easing drops of pre- cum out to help slide quickly down and then back up the rock-hard shaft.  
  
Xander felt Spike's presence immediately when he entered the room. His motions quickened, letting the other vampire know he had no intention of stopping. Instead, he let out a low moan, licked his lips and opened his eyes to stare at the blue ones watching him.  
  
Spike shook his head and leaned back against the wall with his arms crossed in front of him. A scowl formed on his face as he waited for the other man to finish, his eyes focusing solidly on the actions of Xander's hands.  
  
Xander continued with his eyes locked on Spike's until he finally let go, allowing the orgasm to rock through his body. His hands dropped and his eyes closed, calming after his release.  
  
"Feel better now?" Spike asked sarcastically.  
  
"Much," Xander answered, not letting the tone bother him, challenging him with his own. "All that blood made me horny, and since Anya wasn't available..."  
  
"Get dressed," Spike ordered, as he threw the balled up shirt onto the couch and headed to the closet to grab his duster. "And from now on, if you're gonna wank, do it in private."  
  
Xander rolled his eyes and reached for a blanket on the chair next to him to clean up the mess he'd made. "Thought you'd enjoy it."  
  
"Not my kind of entertainment, mate."  
  
"Not what I read," he answered, grabbing the shirt and pulling it over his head.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. Let's get outta here."  
  
Xander ignored the confused looks he was receiving from the other man and trudged passed him into the hallway. Spike shook his head, dipped in his pocket for his smokes and took the lead, heading into the darkening street.  
  
"Wow, this is cool," the younger vampire howled, taking in the sights with his new eyes.  
  
Spike couldn't help but smile, trying to remember what his first night was like. The amazement of the darkness coming to life with heightened senses was something no vamp would ever forget. He lead them through deserted side streets and darkened alleys, avoiding humans as much as he could. He kept Xander at bay, grabbing his arm tightly when he scented prey nearby. The brunette growled in protest, forcing Spike to reply with a threatening growl of his own.  
  
They made their way to the nearest cemetery, the blonde curious to see his childe in battle. Admitted, he was anxious to test the new vampire's strength and instincts. Within minutes, he was granted his request as several vampires surrounded them.  
  
Casting glances as Xander fought expertly at his side, Spike watched as his childe dusted his fair share of opponents, until they were left once again standing alone in the graveyard. He smiled, a sense of pride washing over him. Xander was strong, made from a superior line, and he was his.  
  
"Good job," he offered, leaning against a tombstone, fetching his cigarette pack from the pocket of his duster. With a tilt of his head, he lit the end and inhaled deeply.  
  
"Never thought I'd hear that from you."  
  
"Never thought I'd say it. We'll work on your technique some, but I do give credit where it's due."  
  
"Humm," Xander mumbled, taking the compliment. He leaned back beside the other man and placed his hands in his pockets, adjusting the bulge that had begun to form after the fight.  
  
They stood in silence, both unsure of how to react to the other. A minute went by before anyone spoke.  
  
"Always happens," Spike said, nodding toward Xander's noticeable erection.  
  
Xander raised an eyebrow and speedily removed his hands.  
  
"Blood's gotta go somewhere, right? Get's to pumpin', makes you feel alive for a while. Best hard-ons always after a fight."  
  
The younger vamp watched intently as the cigarette was pulled on and then flicked to the ground. Spike let out the last exhale of smoke and eyed Xander suspiciously.  
  
"What are you gawking at?"  
  
Without an answer, Spike found himself pushed roughly against the tombstone, Xander's body leaning heavily into him. Cool lips pressed against his, as he felt a hardness pushing against his own tightened jeans.  
  
He quickly came to his senses and grabbed Xander's shoulders, pushing the other man away. "What the fuck are you doing, Harris?"  
  
A hand cupped him firmly, finding the hardened shaft through his jeans. Spike moaned softly, but took Xander's wrist, pushing it away.  
  
"Stop."  
  
Dark eyes met his. "But I thought. don't you want it?"  
  
"Not from you, you git." Spike slipped his hands inside his duster pockets, pulling the jacket around to hide his arousal.  
  
"But the book said...." Xander stopped, not sure of what to say.  
  
"What did the bloody book say, Harris?!"  
  
"You're my sire." The dark eyes left Spike's blue ones and found the ground instead. "I'm supposed to...." his voice trailed off, afraid to say the words out loud.  
  
"Bugger that! Bleedin' wankers writing about things they have no business in! That's not the way it works, Harris!"  
  
"But you gave it to me. Told me to read it. I thought...."  
  
"You thought wrong. Yeah, I thought there'd be some useful bits in it, never actually read the soddin' thing."  
  
"So that stuff doesn't actually happen?"  
  
Spike closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath, pictures of Angelus swarming in his head.  
  
"Fuck, Harris. Yes, it happens. But not with us. That's not the way things are gonna be."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The hurt in Xander's voice was evident, confusing Spike even more. "Look here, mate. It's not an insult or whatever it is you're thinking in that screwed up brain of yours. I just don't bugger other men. All there is to it." He narrowed his eyes. "Didn't think you did either."  
  
"I don't," he replied quickly. "I didn't. I don't know. For some reason, right now, it doesn't seem to matter. I just need.... something." Shrugging his shoulders, he looked away from the other man. "I just figured you were hard, I'm hard..."  
  
"Not gonna happen, Harris. I can ignore you and head the other way if you need to itch that scratch. Work it out however you like, but don't include me in those plans."  
  
"Fine," Xander pouted. "Where to next? Got anything else to kill?"  
  
Knowing the brunette would rather stay uncomfortable than to give in to his suggestion, Spike's eyes shifted around the empty cemetery. "Guess we could prowl about for a bit. Doesn't look like much's happenin' tonight though."  
  
"Okay then, now what?"  
  
"Fancy a beer?"  
  
Xander's eyes rose hopefully. "The Bronze?"  
  
"Fuck no. You're daft if you think I'd let you anywhere near there."  
  
The hopefulness eased away, making room for frustration.  
  
"You're a vampire now, Harris. That's not your world anymore."  
  
The statement hit him like a ton of bricks. He was no longer in the world of the living. His friends, his job, his classy apartment he'd worked so hard to acquire. gone. Up until then, he'd been running on instinct. Blood, adrenaline and the violence he needed so badly. He hadn't had time to sit and think about how things had actually changed. He had no one. No one but this creature beside him... his sire. Who didn't care and didn't want him. Instead, intent on barking orders. Don't hunt, don't feed, don't do anything that might upset his precious Buffy.  
  
Xander grit his teeth, grinding the back ones fiercely. Fuck the slayer. "Yeah. Let's get a beer."  
  
TBC.... 


	6. Hard Choices: Chapter 6

Sorry it took so long to post this chapter.  
  
WARNING:: STRONG R for sexual content and use of explicit words. I  
wasn't sure if this could pass for R so be aware when reading...  
  
Hard Choices: Chapter 6  
  
They strolled casually into Willy's, with Spike hoping not to draw too  
much attention their way. The last thing he needed was word getting  
back to Buffy that he and Xander were spending time together at the  
demon bar. That would be sure to peek her curiosity and while it may  
let the inevitable cat out of the bag, he was still trying to decide  
how exactly to break the news to her in his own way. He motioned for  
Xander to sit while he fetched their drinks from the bar. Returning  
shortly carrying two bottles and a bowl of mixed nuts, he slid into  
the booth across from the other vampire. Spike sat back, cocking his  
leg up on the seat and rapidly guzzled three quarters of his beer.  
  
"This is too weird," Xander stated.  
  
"What?" he asked, chasing the beverage with a handful of nuts.  
  
"Me.... you, hanging out in a demon bar."  
  
"Funny that. Since we're both demons and all."  
  
Xander shrugged and took a long gulp from his bottle. "Don't feel  
like much of one. Except this feeling I can't get rid of. I need  
blood, Spike. Real blood. Not that crap you've been feeding me."  
  
"You shouldn't have fed from her, Harris. Only made it worse. I was  
trying to save you the craving."  
  
"Couldn't help it. Heard her heartbeat calling to me. Don't you  
remember what that feels like? How good it is?"  
  
"Of course I do, you git. Didn't say I don't miss it, just have other  
things to think about right now. Buffy being one. She's already  
gonna go into kick ass slayer mode as soon as she finds out about you.  
Got enough problems without adding a body count on top of it all."  
  
"But that's what we do, isn't it?! Vampires?! You would have drained  
me in a heartbeat if you didn't have that fucking chip in your head.  
I want you to teach me!"  
  
Spike sighed wearily, allowing flashbacks to an earlier time invade  
his thoughts.  
  
1881 London  
  
The women had scampered off on their own shortly after sunset, sent by  
Angelus on a grand shopping excursion, leaving the two men alone to  
bide their time. Immediately, the older vampire had called for  
William to join him in his room. William raced to the master suite;  
having waited almost a month since the last time he'd been allowed  
company alone with his grandsire. He'd been taken by Angelus in the  
presence of Drusilla, shared a bed while watching as Dru pleasured her  
sire, even joined in what the older vampire referred to as 'family'  
time. But this, this is what he'd begun to long for. Nights when he  
could have Angelus to himself. The man he now called 'sire'.  
Allowing the use of his body as a toy for the other man had become a  
pleasureful event once he'd learned to not fight back. As long as he  
gave himself willingly, the pain and torture he'd come to know from  
Angelus slowly faded, replaced by moments of closeness and sharing.  
Sometimes. Depending on his sire's mood.  
  
William slowly eased the door open, sliding in carefully, waiting for  
the moment of truth. The moment when his eyes would meet his sires  
and the mood of the night would be laid out for him. Angelus was  
resting naked on the large poster bed, propped by a large mass of  
pillows, sipping a brandy.  
  
"Ah, William my boy. Come... Join me for a brandy." He motioned  
toward the nightstand, already housing an additional glass of liquor.  
  
The younger man held back from racing toward the bedside, already  
finding himself excited by the genuine upbeat mood of his sire.  
Angelus in a decent mood meant good things for William.  
  
He glanced quickly lengthways as he sipped, knowing not to ogle at the  
nakedness before him. He'd been taught 'that' lesson early on.  
Angelus placed his glass on the table and reached his hand out to  
William. Taking it, he too discarded his drink to join the other man  
on the bed. Dark eyes met blue ones briefly until Angelus' fingers  
wrapped in the younger man's dark blonde hair, guiding his head down  
the length of his body. The gentleness was different, unexpected from  
William's point of view. The usual order from sire to childe to 'do  
his job' having not been spoken, William offered a glance in the  
direction of the man beneath him. Angelus only nodded in reassurance,  
then closed his eyes in anticipation.  
  
William took hold of the hardened flesh in his hands. Kneading firmly  
as he slid from top to bottom, then back up to start again, he  
reacquainted himself with his sire's perfection. The part of Angelus  
he knew as well as the back of his own hand. He watched it swell with  
his movements, jumping sporadically in his hands as he pumped. When a  
drop of pre-cum drizzled down the shaft, he bent his head to lick the  
fluid into his mouth. His tongue circled the head tenderly, and then  
gave way to a more forced endeavor as his whole mouth engulfed the  
length down to the base. Another learned skill brought on by Angelus.  
He'd been beaten one too many times for not opening his throat wide  
enough to accept his sire's full member inside. William found himself  
hiding in shame, practicing with the longer of the garden vegetable  
variety until his sire commented on his improvement and abruptly  
stopped the beatings.  
  
William froze when he felt a gentle hand caressing the shorthairs at  
the nape of his neck. He quickly returned to the job at hand, trying  
not to show his surprise at the menial display of affection for fear  
that it would end. He continued his duty, genuinely trying to give  
his sire a pleasurable release. When he felt the swelling of the  
large shaft and the tightening of the scrotum he was handling, William  
opened his mouth and let it fill, swallowing every drop until it was  
gone. Spilling even a minute amount was yet another lesson.  
  
Angelus moaned softly and stretched his body, relaxing after the  
orgasm had settled.  
  
"Stand up, boy."  
  
William obeyed, rising to stand at the side of the bed. Angelus slid  
over, pushing his legs over the edge, sitting to face the younger  
male. He pulled him forward to stand between his opened legs.  
Reaching up, large hands began working their way over the buttons of  
William's shirt, pulling it open as he went lower. William again  
began to feel mesmerized by the care he was being given and allowed  
the comforting emotion to wash over him. Angelus continued to undress  
him slowly, gazing hungrily at every piece of flesh as it was exposed.  
At that moment, William felt wanted. Mostly, he felt loved. He stood  
naked as the other man began rubbing his hands softly along his skin.  
His fingers drifted down the front of his chest, sideways to brush  
against his ribs, and lower to his member standing proudly in front of  
him. William caught a breath. In the six months since he'd been  
called to Angelus' bed, the older vampire had 'never' touched him.  
  
"Such a beautiful creature you are, William. Drusilla chose wisely.  
I'd have not chosen better had I sought you out myself."  
  
William gulped, unsure of this new direction. "Thank you, sire."  
  
Angelus chuckled. "You thought I'd grown bored with you? Not called  
for you in three weeks time?"  
  
"Twenty eight days, sire."  
  
"So it was."  
  
"I wasn't sure..." William answered honestly. The hand was still  
fisting him, just the right amount of pressure to cause an  
unintentional moan.  
  
"I hadn't forgotten you, Will. Didn't you feel my eyes on you?  
Watching you? Wanting you?"  
  
"Sire."  
  
The hand stilled. Angelus moved back, laying his body against the  
pillows. His eyes searched out the other man. "It's Darla, you see.  
Thinks I've grown fond of you. She's afraid I enjoy your company more  
than her own."  
  
William looked down, afraid of the desperation he saw in his sire's  
eyes. "No need to worry, boy. She just doesn't understand. To live  
day in and day out with the likes of just women. only another man can  
know the desires, the pleasures of a male body."  
  
Angelus motioned again for William to join him. He sat, skeptically  
watching his elder as he stretched out beside him. He'd never seen  
this side of his sire. This side so open and emotional toward him.  
  
"You've not finished your brandy." An agreement and the glass was put  
into his hands and lifted to his lips. Both men finished their drinks  
quickly.  
  
As he reached over his childe to discard of the empty glasses, Angelus  
surprised William with a deep and needy kiss before pulling back.  
"You understand what I need, don't you William."  
  
"Yes, sire."  
  
As obedient as he had been taught, the younger vampire rolled onto his  
stomach, spreading his thighs to allow access. Angelus ran his  
fingers down the lean back, over strong muscles, down the lower arch  
until he reached the firm curve of William's ass. He toyed with the  
cheeks, pulling and spreading, allowing his finger to rub softly  
against the opening.  
  
"Thought we'd try something different tonight."  
  
William felt his muscles tighten. Different almost always hurt.  
  
"On your back, boy."  
  
This was new. He flipped over, not sure what was expected of him.  
Before he attempted to ask, Angelus was on his knees between William's  
legs. Legs that were being hoisted into the air with his knees pushed  
firmly into his own chest. The dark-haired vampire reached over  
toward the table, grabbed the bottle of liquor and dumped some into  
his hand. He coated his shaft and lined up to the awaiting hole.  
  
William's eyes went wide as Angelus pushed, sliding in on only the  
small amount of wetness from the brandy. Not the best lubrication,  
William pondered, but better than dry like he usually had to endure.  
  
"Look at me, boy."  
  
It took all the courage he could muster to obey the order. The rules  
of sex with Angelus had been strictly set down the first time he'd  
been taken. 'Always' do what you're told, 'never' speak unless told  
to do so, and never, under any circumstance do you watch Angelus when  
you are being fucked.  
  
Their eyes met. "Do you fuck Drusilla in the ass?" Angelus asked as  
he thrust harder into the other body.  
  
"No, sire," came the answer between rapid, unneeded breaths.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Won't let me. Says it's only for you."  
  
Angelus closed his eyes. "Mmm. Sweet thing, our Dru. Do you like  
fucking her?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Maybe I'll order her to allow you. Make her let you in. So good. You  
feel like it's gonna pull your cock right off." Angelus reached  
between them, finding the hardened and weeping cock. He began to  
stroke as he talked. " I'd like to watch when you do it. See your  
face when you cum inside her ass for the first time. She feels almost  
as good as you."  
  
William tried to stifle the sound by biting into his lip, but the feel  
of his sire's hand jacking him off was too much to contain. He cried  
out, and began panting wildly, not sure if he was allowed to cum or  
not. Last rule when being fucked by Angelus. 'Never' cum unless  
you're given permission.  
  
"This is what Darla's afraid of, Will. Afraid I'll get lost. She  
knows how much I love to fuck you. I think she's a bit jealous. But  
only you and I know, don't we. How good it really is."  
  
The speed increased, both cock and fist as Angelus' eyes stared deep  
inside him. William was in heaven. This had to be love. Love the  
only way his sire knew how to give it.  
  
"Cum with me, Will."  
  
And he allowed himself to let go. Screaming his sire's name as he  
jetted spurts of milky fluid between them, the realization that  
Angelus had just milked the orgasm out of him making the feeling all  
that much better. Feeling even more connected when he saw the  
powerful eyes above him shut and the large body begin to tremble.  
Angelus rode out his release, and then collapsed on top of the smaller  
body. After a moment, William felt cool lips on his before the other  
man pulled away and rolled beside him.  
  
The younger vampire took a chance to glance at the beautiful man  
beside him, contemplating if he should ask what had been plaguing him  
for days. Things felt different between them. For the first time in  
the year since he was made, he felt close to this man. The one  
creature he looked up to above anything else in his existence.  
  
"Angelus... sire?"  
  
"What is it, William?" he answered, already starting to fall asleep.  
  
"When are you going to teach me to hunt with you?"  
  
A smile curled on the other man's lips though his eyes never opened.  
"Patience, my boy. I'll teach you everything as soon as you're  
ready."  
  
"But it's been a year. I 'am' ready."  
  
"Quiet now, William. Pull the quilt up and go to sleep."  
  
"But sire...."  
  
Angelus nuzzled into the blankets, pulling it around both their  
bodies.  
  
"SShh. We'll discuss it tomorrow."  
  
William closed his eyes. It was the first time he'd fallen asleep in  
the arms of his sire.  
  
"Spike!"  
  
Hearing his name being called from across the table finally brought  
him back to the twenty first century.  
  
"Sorry, what was that?"  
  
"I said I want you to teach me."  
  
Pride welled up again for his childe, but he quickly shoved it aside.  
"I can't, Harris. Buffy would have both our heads!"  
  
"How would she know? We aren't the only vampires in town, Spike."  
  
"Just not a good idea, so drop it."  
  
"Fine," Xander pouted.  
  
"Fine," Spike added for good measure.  
  
The brunette downed his beer and begun peeling off the label from the  
bottle.  
  
"Everyone's been staring since we came in."  
  
Spike glanced around, noticing the onset of eyes glaring toward the  
booth.  
  
"They know you're one of the slayer's lot. Don't suppose they trust  
you much."  
  
"Maybe if I just..." Xander growled lowly and shifted to his demon  
features.  
  
"Harris! You bloody stupid git!" Spike scolded, his facial features  
alone warning the boy to change back. "Not here!"  
  
Xander sighed in frustration, his human face reappearing. "I'm not  
human anymore. You won't let me be a vampire. What the hell am I  
supposed to do?!"  
  
"Just shut up, drink your beer and I'll let you know when I figure it  
out."  
  
Xander shook his head and nodded to something behind Spike. "Well  
you'd better figure it out soon, 'cus Buffy just walked through the  
door."  
  
Spike closed his eyes. "Bugger."  
  
He quickly stood up, trying to block Xander from Buffy's view. He  
turned toward his childe. "Stay here. And don't do anything stupid."  
  
He cracked his neck, put some swagger in his step and headed off to  
divert Buffy's attention. He slid beside her, trying for a casual  
tone. "What brings you here, slayer?"  
  
"Dawn went to Janice's. Guess the sister-bonding thing wasn't so  
important. Figured you'd be here so I thought if you were done  
patrolling we could. hang out."  
  
"Hang out?" Spike's brow rose.  
  
"Or, you know. Whatever."  
  
"Yeah, well... whatever sounds tempting..... If whatever's what I  
think it is," he added with as much innuendo as he could throw in.  
  
"You wanna get out of here?"  
  
He chanced a glance over his shoulder to Xander, noticing the glaring  
eyes staring back at him. "Stay," he mouthed silently to the other  
man, which warranted a not so respectful finger gesture from his  
childe.  
  
"Lead the way, pet."  
  
He followed Buffy outside to the deserted alley, intent on taking a  
left to head for his crypt, when she grabbed his duster lapels and  
shoved him hard against the wall. Her tongue dodged deep inside his  
gaping mouth, leaving him surprised but utterly aroused.  
  
"Buffy...." he managed between brutal kisses.  
  
"Spike, I've wanted you all day. I couldn't think of anything else."  
Her hand began to work the buckle on his belt.  
  
He grabbed her wrist, putting a halt to her movements. "At least  
lets..." he gestured toward a wall of wooded cases of beer.  
  
"Mmmm. Good idea." With Buffy in the lead, they found their way  
around the makeshift wall, hiding from anyone that might be passing  
by. As the sound of a zipper floated on the air, Spike failed to  
notice the dark-haired vampire sneaking out of the bar and down the  
alley, moving in the other direction.  
  
TBC.... 


End file.
